Vulnerability is hard.

I have run a full gamut of emotions since I last posted, and if I'm honest, I have run through many of them in the last hour as well.

Vulnerability has consequences, with no shield to protect yourself.  Some of the consequences are welcome blessings and some add to the pain and distress you are already up to your ears in, even when well intentioned.  And so truthfully I have been afraid to post again, afraid to open myself up again... afraid that what I post tonight may not be what I am feeling in the morning, or that someone might say, "I know exactly how you feel", and I will accidentally punch them in the mouth...

I received so many warm emails, posts, and texts after I last posted, and I want you all to know that I am so very grateful.  I don't know that I have responded to anyone personally, but please know that I am blessed beyond measure by your friendship and burden for our family.

Some of you have been down this road with a dad, aunt, friend... and you are so much more familiar with what we are facing than we even know ourselves.  In fact, if there is a word that could characterize the last two months (besides hard), it would be surprised.  We had no idea how many doctors we would see, how long it would take to be diagnosed, or for a treatment plan to be established.  We had no idea how hard it would be to tell other people and how pressured we would feel to help them process our journey.  We had no idea Matt would have to field 10 phone calls per day from nurses, work personnel, hospitals and insurance companies all related to cancer (not to mention the bills!)  We had (have) no idea about the extreme emotions we would face, or how badly we still want to operate in our "normal" life, while adding sickness, anxiety, major decisions, and several doctors appointments a week to our already full schedule.  We also had no idea how much people would care for us... we had no idea that people would bring meals on days we didn't ask for them, or leave wine and flowers on our doorstep (that was for me, not Matt, and it was awesome!), or watch our kids when we desperately needed it and even when we didn't, or come clean out our garage and mulch our flowerbeds, or send long emails or short texts just to remind us that they were praying...

Each of those "evidences of grace" have been reminders from God that He cares.  Like I said before, we know that this season is from God... it is for His glory. And on top of that, we know that He is doing a transforming work in our own lives, our church, and our extended families.  But that doesn't mean that it isn't extremely hard.  It colors everything we do and think and how we function.  When people serve us, we are reminded again of the extravagance of God, of His great love and mercy toward us.  He allowed things to be hard during this season, but He is detailed in His care for us and conscientious to remind us daily that He knows our suffering.

Treatment Update: The oncologist we chose in Fort Worth was trained at MD Anderson and specializes Matt's type of cancer.  When we saw him originally, he laid out two chemotherapy treatment regimens with the pros and cons of each.  Matt was put through further testing to see if any negative/positive results on his lung test/CT scan would cancel out one regimen or the other.  In the meantime, Dr. Richey spoke with his colleagues in Houston to discuss Matt's case, and their recommendation was radiation.  Matt met with a radiation oncologist last week and went through more testing, and now he is starting radiation on Monday.  Matt is very encouraged and excited about this option.  The radiation should target a very specific region in his body, and although he will go more often for treatment, it should be done sooner and with less side affects than chemo.  So, Hooray!

He's got the cancer.

Its the name of a friend's blog, a great quote from The Royal Tenenbaum's, and now its our new reality.

He is my husband, Matt.  I'll let you guess what kind of cancer he has... (google it.)

Our story is slowly unfurling, and several people have expressed a desire to be able to stay updated, without having to ask me (because Matt and I don't like to like to talk about cancer all the time!)  So instead of starting a Caring Bridge sight, I decided I would rather pick up my blog again.  You will find updates about Matt here, but you may also find my random thoughts on life, or my revelations about the love of God, or cute pictures of my kids.

I really look forward to honoring people who have blessed and served us over the last few weeks... so look forward to some biographies of my favorites!

But first I will update you on Matt and his cancer journey...

Mid-February Matt was experiencing some pain... what we thought was kidney stones or a urinary tract infection.  He went to a med-express type place on a Sunday morning, and they sent him on to the emergency room, feeling that he had too many symptoms to diagnose.  I met him at the ER, and after an (awkward) sonogram and (unnecessary) morphine, the doctor came in to hold my hand (also awkward) and tell us that it looked like cancer.

We have ended up with amazing medical contacts in Fort Worth, and were first referred to a urologist, Dr. John Johnson (the third.)  He sat down with us for a long time, and walked us through what he expected Matt's journey to look like with cancer.  It included an operation, some radiation and a great prognosis.  

Telling people was much harder than I expected.  Matt and I were able to have long talks with the doctor, with each other, and with the Lord, and so we felt very peaceful and comfortable with the road we were headed down.  But others were shocked and very upset for us.  We experienced such an outpouring of love, with meals, gift cards, and phone calls galore.  We were so blessed.

Matt was diagnosed with seminoma testicular cancer.  He had a surgery, and a few weeks later, a routine chest X-ray and  a CT scan.  The doctor did not expect to see anything, and so we did not worry or think much about it.  But he did see something, and after a biopsy, it was confirmed that the cancer had metastasized into at least two of Matt's lymph nodes.  This is highly unusual for seminoma cancer, but still very treatable with a great prognosis.

Again, we were blessed with great contacts, and ended up with the best oncologist in Fort Worth specializing in testicular cancer.  We feel confident in our choice for a doctor.  So far, we believe Matt will be starting chemo in the next week or so.  The treatment should last 3-4 months, and then another month or so until he is "back to normal."

How are we doing?  Some days great, some days are hard.  Currently there is a really funky smell in my house and clothes overflowing out of my laundry room.  Some days we have margin to play with our kids, have friends over, and enjoy and episode of New Girl at the end of the day.  And some days we are tired, frustrated, and just making it.  We are NEVER mad, or asking why.  We are confident that God is allowing this for His glory and that He is taking care of us every step of the way.  We are not forgotten.  We need Him, and we need you... our friends and family... loving, praying, and supporting us along the this journey.

So thanks for listening and caring thus far, and I will keep you updated as things move forward!